I have spent much of my working life driven by a Protestant work ethic that saw me constantly being busy. Doing that bit extra in my main job, running projects alongside it and sometimes holding down two or more jobs. As a third sector consultant this was a great combination that saw me much in demand and blessed (or burdened) with more than enough for my needs.
However, my definition of success was elusive and an illusion. I grew tired, grumpy and teetered on burn out driven by an overiding fear that to let up, even for one moment, could and would lead to disaster. I would be found out, be found wanting and cease to have, let alone add, value.
Imposter syndrome is a very real thing and something that thrives in me as long as I rely on work to give me a sense of self esteem and to define me. An inherent belief that despite all the evidence to the contrary, at any given point in time someone will realise that I’m not really up to it, whatever it may be.
I have done a lot of work on myself over the years, digging down to find root causes, keeping things in the moment, taking regular inventory, following a spiritual path and trying to do the next right thing but the real turning point was when I lost a job that I felt really defined me. Overnight I went from being the “man who can”, the “go to guy” when you want something done to someone who was no longer needed. My biggest fear had come true.
It wasn’t nice, it was difficult and it took time but it was ok.
Today, I try to hold the thought that it really doesn’t matter what people think of me, in fact it is none of my business. I know that I no longer need to constantly seek to prove myself. I still work hard but I know when to stop. I value myself and know that I add value. I can take time out, concentrate on quality rather than quantity, explore new ideas, try new things and embrace life.
It’s a good place to be.
Interspiral 